November 29, 2006

I have a lot to say, but am not ready to say it. Mike knows it. He is really the only one who really knows about it. He has been such a big help with everything. He spent 3 hours last night coaching me on something I should have learned how to do when I was in elementary school; have a conversation without stumbling over my words and in the meantime not sounding like a jerk.

I often feel like there is too much to do, and not enough time to do it. I feel like I am trying as hard as I can, but just like one of those bad dreams, I just can't run fast enough. I love what I am doing, I just wish I had more time to do it.

The past few days I have been thinking about how Jeremy told me on my birthday, when I barely even knew him, that 22 was probably the hardest year of his life. Sometimes I feel like maybe it will also be mine too, like he forwarned. But then I look around at the positive things, like Mike, my friends, my family and the pups and how this year cannot possibly be the worst year of my life.

I started out my 22nd year working for a crazy person, but got out of that. I started work at another place that is challenging me more than any class ever did in my life,. I had to endure Ender's time in the hospital. But really, I learned from all these things, a lesson that will make the rest of my years better, as well as the rest of my days as a 22 year old. I am trying to be positive, but it has been getting harder.

Everyday recently something new happens, and I feel like a failure all over again. These things happening are just small things that most people would brush off, but I am sensitive, paranoid and very fragile about certain things so they bother me. I just want to be told that I am doing something right for once. Please? A pat on the back for all my hard work? A good job? I dont know.

But again, I am going to try to be positive. I have to. I worked so hard my entire life, and have grown so strong, that right now, is not a time to be weak.

Another thing, one of the things I hate the most when it comes to weather is the WIND, and freaking Santa Ana blowing all of his rage across Southern California by force of wind. It is nights like this where I wish I had a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. And if you know me at all, I absolutely hate soup.