January 21, 2007

I always want to be perfect, but I will never be able to be a perfectionist. Slighty tragic, I think.

I hate when you have a great week, and you are starting to feel confident again in yourself and then in a span of 1 hour, you can lose every bit of confidence you gained, and probably have it go back to even worse than when you started the week.

I cant live in this type of environment. So either I have to just suck it up for a 9.5 months, so I can move on, or I have to start being perferct every second. That expectation will never work out, of course, because no one can always be perfect, so, I guess you know which decision I have already made.

You start to begin to think about maybe you chose the wrong option, the wrong course of life, when in actuality you just chose the wrong place to spend most of your waking hours. I feel locked in, because I cant just up and change now, after already doing that once. I figurre it always starts out slightly sucky at first for everyone. My brother is basically in the same situation right now too. We have to lock down for a bit and then head out for our own sanity.

But then you think about life, and how we are wasting a year of our life. If we die tomorrow, we die hating where we spend most of our waking hours. That doesnt make sense. But then am I supposed to just ignore that and be more logical and plan for the rest of my life instead of thinking of today, which might possibly be my last. That is what I have always done.

I prerfer to not think about thinking of dying, because it is definitely my biggest fear, with failure being the second.

I think I know now, that when I do make the next change, that I will better know how to choose what I will be locking myself into again. And this, is the lesson I have to put into action once I fully learn everything I want and DONT WANT the next time around.

I loved 2 jobs while in college. One ended because they told me they would never hire me because I was a girl (in so many words) and the other one because I had to move. What ended up happening to the second one anyway worked out though, because the company went bankrupt less than 2 months later. I would have stayed at that one forever if it was in Orange County and it still existed. The other one, I am glad I am not doing it too, because it also changed company hands and turned really odd. Weird how the only jobs I liked, that after I quit, went down. ahah. Of course I know it has nothing to do with me, and it is sill to even state that last sentance like that, but it is very weird.

I hope I can love another job like those 2 again. I was generally excited about going there everyday. Although I got annoyed with some parts of it, I loved what I did, and I loved the people I worked with. I guess that makes a big difference. At the new place I really havent found any friends who are going to turn into anything outside of work. Not only because of location differences but because of fundamental differences. Its a bummr, but oh well. At least I found the good ones from BP and am still hanging out with them :-) Come to think of it, most of my friends came from jobs I have had. And maybe this one is a problem because that wont happen here. I still talk to people from the 1st job I loved in college, the 2nd job I loved in college and BP. Hmmm...

Alright, well I am going to head out now. I swear I am not really that depressed or anything, and that I really only write when something is botheirng me.

I need to go fill my day up with friends now. The end.