Tonight I was home alone with the pups when two little adorable 18 year old mormon boys came to the door. One of my dogs, Emily, is kinda nuts. We sorta rescued her (if you call it that) and she is kind of a little off when it comes to men. She likes to attack them at random times.
When I opened the door to greet the cute little mormon boys Emily decided it would be a good time to attack. I grabbed her before she bit, but I did have to hold her on my hip after that. In the meantime, Ender had gotten out of the house, but was just trying to play with the boys. He loves people and is always up for some attention. I had to grab Ender too and hold him on the other side of my hip because he would get away otherwise. I could have actually put them inside and walked outside, but I really did not want to be cornered by these mormon boys. I dont know how to politely say that I think your religion is not anything I am interested in to see boys. In no way will I ever convert, but I don't know how to say no, so why not use the dogs as my excuse.
So there I was, with a dog in each arm, trying to think of a way to get rid of the mormon boys. The dogs did not stop calming down. It got worse. While I was holding them on my hips Ender and Emily were pulling down the back of my sweat pants with their claws in attempt to get away. If the mormon boys had seen what was happening to the back of my pants I think they might have gotten in big trouble with their whole mission thing. My pants were coming down fast and they were hard to keep up while listening to their stories about Jesus Christ and keeping the dogs from attacking the boys. I needed a way to get the boys to leave, because if anyone is going to see the back of me in undies, I REALLY do not want it to be 18 year old mormon boys on a mission.
I desperately needed these boys to take the cue that I was not availible for their mormon missionary duty. I'm sure they could see that I was struggling to keep my pants up (sounds bad!) and keep my dogs from scratching the shit out of my back and butt . The boys were VERY nice and somehow continued to tell me about how excited they were about how a prophet might currently be walking the earth, but I could not have anymore of it, unless they wanted to witness my panties.
Finally they got the hint that my dogs were not stopping and I was not going to leave them inside and go outside to chat with them about Jesus. They asked if I was availible anytime later this week and I told them that I would be home alone with the dogs all week (true, except for Friday). They said they would give me their pamphlet and write their names down. While writing down their names my pants starting to fall down even more. I was freaking out and did not know what to do. I could not move or make any effort to grab their pamphlet. The boys seemed to figure out more about the pants situation by this point and just tossed the pamphlet at me and shut the door for me.
Do you think I will go to my religion's hell just because I put myself in a situation where mormon boys (if they were looking at my pants intently) could see my dogs pulling down my pants and exposing my backside? This is one time I wish I could witness what they saw, because it was probably one of the most humiliating (in an extremely ironically funny way) times of my life.
Now it is time to laugh WITH me.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Side Projects vs. Crap Jobs
So I am now in a place where I have to decide whether to look for side project jobs or have consistent paycheck from crappy jobs, like retail.
I am broke beyond belief. With my last paycheck, I only got about $50 back after bills. How do I eat with that? I don't.
Mike told me about this book his friend was reading the other day, called Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled--and More Miserable Than Ever Before. This book talks about how "Generation Me," which is supposedly my generation, believes we deserve more than we do, and have higher self esteem then we do achievements. This idea has been bothering me a lot. I believe I do deserve a lot, not just because of my self esteem, but because my achievments. I believe a deserve more not only because I have a college degree, but because I have worked my ass off and have a lot of experience in my career objectives. I have work experience and an education. I have done everything I was told to do to do well in this society. I was told to get good grades (got them), get work experience through internships and work related jobs (did a TON of that), and network (did it). But still, I am broke and having to decide whether I want to work a side project job or a crap job. Do I deserve better or am I a whining undeserving result of the me generation? I believe my frusterations are true, but how would I know, because I obviously cannot look at this in retrospect yet.
There is no question about it, but I need to make more money. My current job is the type of job that is so controlled by the corporate masters that a raise is in no way possible. They wave bonus' at you all the time, but the way to get them is impossible (which I am sure is on purpose). So I can't just ask for a raise there. Especially since I hear they fire people all the time. I just need this job to get enough experience so I can make a LOT more elsewhere, which is supposedly possible in my industry.
I have accepted that I need to find money elsewhere. I have looked at free lancing sites and they all seem to make you whore yourself out for a TON of work. These people want EVERYTHING for nothing. I then have looked at crap jobs that would be okay with letting me only work evening or weekends. They all pay what they are; crap.
I need ideas, I need help finding out how to make extra money. I will not whore my skills out (both figuratively and literally) so I am not sure what to do. Do I suck it up and stop being the supposedly epitome of the "me generation" and do MORE shit work before I make anything, or should I take out of life what I DO deserve.
Its not like my brother make double my salary his first year out of college or anything. Its not like everyone expects me to make the same as him.
I feel like an absolute failure, because society says that if you are not making enough to afford designer clothing and cool gadgets, then you are shit. I did everything society said I should do to make it, I have the skills, the knowledge and motivation, but I am still the failure. Maybe the "me generation" is now expected to be more, and told they can be more with simple instructions, when in reality its not possible for most. Maybe that's why we are miserable. We are miserable because society says we should be something amazing by a young age by doing what actually doesn't work in the so-called "real world". We fail their expectations because their expectations are impossible and then we whine because THEIR plans to be amazing and their amazing expectations of us were never really possible. We fail because they failed us.
I am sure I am the epitome of the "me generation" even though I don't see it now. I'm sure you are just laughing at me, and not cringing because you feel the same way as me.
I never really answered my question about whether to work a side job or a crap job, but I did get out my rant for the day.
I am broke beyond belief. With my last paycheck, I only got about $50 back after bills. How do I eat with that? I don't.
Mike told me about this book his friend was reading the other day, called Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled--and More Miserable Than Ever Before. This book talks about how "Generation Me," which is supposedly my generation, believes we deserve more than we do, and have higher self esteem then we do achievements. This idea has been bothering me a lot. I believe I do deserve a lot, not just because of my self esteem, but because my achievments. I believe a deserve more not only because I have a college degree, but because I have worked my ass off and have a lot of experience in my career objectives. I have work experience and an education. I have done everything I was told to do to do well in this society. I was told to get good grades (got them), get work experience through internships and work related jobs (did a TON of that), and network (did it). But still, I am broke and having to decide whether I want to work a side project job or a crap job. Do I deserve better or am I a whining undeserving result of the me generation? I believe my frusterations are true, but how would I know, because I obviously cannot look at this in retrospect yet.
There is no question about it, but I need to make more money. My current job is the type of job that is so controlled by the corporate masters that a raise is in no way possible. They wave bonus' at you all the time, but the way to get them is impossible (which I am sure is on purpose). So I can't just ask for a raise there. Especially since I hear they fire people all the time. I just need this job to get enough experience so I can make a LOT more elsewhere, which is supposedly possible in my industry.
I have accepted that I need to find money elsewhere. I have looked at free lancing sites and they all seem to make you whore yourself out for a TON of work. These people want EVERYTHING for nothing. I then have looked at crap jobs that would be okay with letting me only work evening or weekends. They all pay what they are; crap.
I need ideas, I need help finding out how to make extra money. I will not whore my skills out (both figuratively and literally) so I am not sure what to do. Do I suck it up and stop being the supposedly epitome of the "me generation" and do MORE shit work before I make anything, or should I take out of life what I DO deserve.
Its not like my brother make double my salary his first year out of college or anything. Its not like everyone expects me to make the same as him.
I feel like an absolute failure, because society says that if you are not making enough to afford designer clothing and cool gadgets, then you are shit. I did everything society said I should do to make it, I have the skills, the knowledge and motivation, but I am still the failure. Maybe the "me generation" is now expected to be more, and told they can be more with simple instructions, when in reality its not possible for most. Maybe that's why we are miserable. We are miserable because society says we should be something amazing by a young age by doing what actually doesn't work in the so-called "real world". We fail their expectations because their expectations are impossible and then we whine because THEIR plans to be amazing and their amazing expectations of us were never really possible. We fail because they failed us.
I am sure I am the epitome of the "me generation" even though I don't see it now. I'm sure you are just laughing at me, and not cringing because you feel the same way as me.
I never really answered my question about whether to work a side job or a crap job, but I did get out my rant for the day.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
I've been Spied On
So big brother's eyes are on me I found out today. I am 99.999% sure that someone was spying on what I do on my computer at work. It was kind of annoying I have to admit, because, really, why me? I have a college degree, I have kicked ass, I get a LOT of work done (and do it well) and I am still being treated like I am 5 years old. Is it just the company, or are a lot of big corporate companies like this? I don't get it.
February 25, 2007
I almost wanted to quit this blog because I didn't want to explain the situation over again. My nephew, my sister's baby, passed away last Tuesday. He officially died from excess blood hemmorages and lack of brain development due to being suffocated in the womb. They are pretty sure the hemmorage is from the birth, which was HORRIBLE. And they think he was being suffocated in the womb from fluid sacs in my sister's stomach that were caused by her getting gestational diabetes, which the doctor never cared to fix. It seems like a lot of this was all caused by doctors neglect.
Even with someone to blame, it is still incredibly hard to take. I was able to go to Kansas City to visit the little boy, and be with my sister. He was the sweetest little boy I have ever seen, and was beyond adorable. Everything was perfect with him, except for his brain. I have explained the situation a million times it seems, as as well as covering it up while explaining it to myself a million times. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore.
Little Cody made a big impact on my life, as well as everyone else who was able to meet him. Right now, I want to be able to take life for all its worth.
Since the situation with Cody I have been struggling with the idea of whether to live each day like you don't have another one, or live your life as good as possible to fullfill your dreams. Right now, I am not exactly happy with work, and I spend the majority of my life there. I want to be able to change this and move on. Realistically, I cannot do that. I need to use this job as a stepping stone to move on to do better things. This job will really provide me with the opportunity to do just that, as long as I stick with it. But if I die tomorrow, I know I wasn't very happy with where I was in life, but I guess, you can't always be happy with it. I need to instead focus on what I am doing with my life to make it better as well as focus on things about my life that are good right now. My puppies, mike, my friends, my family are all great. I do have fun on the weekends for the most part. So, I think I answered the struggle with this idea now, and that is to keep on trucking through life, but continusouly strive for my dreams, instead of sulking that I have not met them yet. Your life is not worth it the moment you stop striving for something better, to me, so I just need to keep striving. I cant let myself get stuck somewhere I dont want to be, for longer than I have to. I need to just keep trying as hard as possible to get to where I want to go. Be the little engine that could perhaps? I just hope the light at the end of the tunnel is the shade I am imagining when I get there.
One thing I am going to start striving for now, something that I have more control of, is my weight. Since I started college, and especially since I met Mike, I have gained a significant amount of weight. I seem to just not care that I keep gaining because I end up eating stuff that isnt good for me all the time. It doesnt help that I am allergic to chicken (one of the best low fat proteins) and that I am allergic to wheat (for the most part) but that is sitll no excuse. I need to start eating like I am an adult, and quit rebelling against how I was forced to eat while growing up (only heatlhy, never anything bad). So this is going to be my goal.
I plan on losing up to 20lbs in the next 4 months. Supposedly that is adequate time if I start to eat better and work out. I always make excuses about working out, but now I need to get my crap together and quit making excuses. Wish me luck.
Even with someone to blame, it is still incredibly hard to take. I was able to go to Kansas City to visit the little boy, and be with my sister. He was the sweetest little boy I have ever seen, and was beyond adorable. Everything was perfect with him, except for his brain. I have explained the situation a million times it seems, as as well as covering it up while explaining it to myself a million times. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore.
Little Cody made a big impact on my life, as well as everyone else who was able to meet him. Right now, I want to be able to take life for all its worth.
Since the situation with Cody I have been struggling with the idea of whether to live each day like you don't have another one, or live your life as good as possible to fullfill your dreams. Right now, I am not exactly happy with work, and I spend the majority of my life there. I want to be able to change this and move on. Realistically, I cannot do that. I need to use this job as a stepping stone to move on to do better things. This job will really provide me with the opportunity to do just that, as long as I stick with it. But if I die tomorrow, I know I wasn't very happy with where I was in life, but I guess, you can't always be happy with it. I need to instead focus on what I am doing with my life to make it better as well as focus on things about my life that are good right now. My puppies, mike, my friends, my family are all great. I do have fun on the weekends for the most part. So, I think I answered the struggle with this idea now, and that is to keep on trucking through life, but continusouly strive for my dreams, instead of sulking that I have not met them yet. Your life is not worth it the moment you stop striving for something better, to me, so I just need to keep striving. I cant let myself get stuck somewhere I dont want to be, for longer than I have to. I need to just keep trying as hard as possible to get to where I want to go. Be the little engine that could perhaps? I just hope the light at the end of the tunnel is the shade I am imagining when I get there.
One thing I am going to start striving for now, something that I have more control of, is my weight. Since I started college, and especially since I met Mike, I have gained a significant amount of weight. I seem to just not care that I keep gaining because I end up eating stuff that isnt good for me all the time. It doesnt help that I am allergic to chicken (one of the best low fat proteins) and that I am allergic to wheat (for the most part) but that is sitll no excuse. I need to start eating like I am an adult, and quit rebelling against how I was forced to eat while growing up (only heatlhy, never anything bad). So this is going to be my goal.
I plan on losing up to 20lbs in the next 4 months. Supposedly that is adequate time if I start to eat better and work out. I always make excuses about working out, but now I need to get my crap together and quit making excuses. Wish me luck.
February 13, 2007
My sister is having a baby tonight (or tomorrow). They think it might be a Valentines Day baby! aww. I will be an Aunt officially tonight. Wow!!
In other news, I had a conversation with a pretty notable company yesterday about something of interest. It was a big enough company to spend a 30 minute phone call with. Turns out it is a company in Santa Monica, and no not Google (I wish). Not really an option for me.
I got really excited about it, but blah. Told them no today because Santa Monica is not an option. At least I know I can be a match for someone else. Good confidence booster.
I decided to wait for Google. Hahah. Or at least get more experience and then try for Google. Here's to hoping.
Can't wait to see the new little one in the family. Not sure how I will be able to visit it. Hopefully I can soon. I think my mom is heading out in a few days. How cute, a baby on Valentines Day! aww!!
In other news, I had a conversation with a pretty notable company yesterday about something of interest. It was a big enough company to spend a 30 minute phone call with. Turns out it is a company in Santa Monica, and no not Google (I wish). Not really an option for me.
I got really excited about it, but blah. Told them no today because Santa Monica is not an option. At least I know I can be a match for someone else. Good confidence booster.
I decided to wait for Google. Hahah. Or at least get more experience and then try for Google. Here's to hoping.
Can't wait to see the new little one in the family. Not sure how I will be able to visit it. Hopefully I can soon. I think my mom is heading out in a few days. How cute, a baby on Valentines Day! aww!!
February 3, 2007
When does the debt end? Some of its from stupid stuff that didnt need to happen. Like buying clothes I dont "need" or eating places that are too expensive, etc.
It seems like a never ending black hole that I will never escape. Once I get rid of it, I will probably just start to have even more debt, what with a house and whatnot.
Does debt ever end in America? Definitely not in California, it seems.
I waste so much money on rent, that I could never afford to even save to buy a house here. But I am a true Californian, in the fact that I cannot ever imagine myself anywhere else in the world without regretting it.
Right now, I am not even depressed about the debt, I am just wondering if it will ever end? If not, why am I stressing out so much about it right now? I mean, if I am just going to end up with the amount of debt a house leaves you with, my measely student loans are nothing.
Do I have to wait until my 50s before my debt is even close to gone? Will it be worse then?
I guess, the only thought that is logical and rational at this point, regarding debt, is focusing on not depending on credit cards at least once every 2 months.
A raise would help. In a year or so I expect to make a LOT more. I hope the industry that I have chosen is not one that will dissapear like the whole techie thing in the 90s in sillicone valley.
Maybe I shouldnt let this debt cloud my thoughts everyday as much as it does, because really, I am not even close to where my debt will be in a few years when buying a house is something that might be able to happen.
I have never been taught how to manage money correctly, or even taught a nice regimen on spending money. We were always poor, so all I knew to do was eat cheap, dont use heat or ac, and not ask for help when necessary because I only have myself to depend on.
I wish I could take some course on how to manage my money, but at this point, I dont even have money to manage; just debt.
So, does anyone have any life advice to give me? Is debt something I just have to accept and deal with as long as I live in California? If so, I might be able to focus on dealing with it more, rather than ignoring it to the point where I eventually freak out when I find out rent is due and all these bills are due and I can't write Mike a check to pay for them until my next paycheck comes. At least his parents help him... but that's not the point.
Should I just start accepting it, dealing with it, and then moving forward? I guess whether or not I will be in debt for most of my life doesn't really change the fact that I should just start accepting it, dealing with it and moving on with it. I guess I will start working on that.
And that is what this blog is about. Sorting out my thoughts through wehatever kind of writing this is. I forgot the term, or phrase. Like free thought? Yeah...
I guess I have already began the first step of dealing with it, knowing that I need to.
By the way, Im sick and sound like a nasaly geek. Why do I have to waste a perfectly good weekend being sick? I guess it helps in the making money department, which in the end helps with what I am worrying about now, right? haha.
It seems like a never ending black hole that I will never escape. Once I get rid of it, I will probably just start to have even more debt, what with a house and whatnot.
Does debt ever end in America? Definitely not in California, it seems.
I waste so much money on rent, that I could never afford to even save to buy a house here. But I am a true Californian, in the fact that I cannot ever imagine myself anywhere else in the world without regretting it.
Right now, I am not even depressed about the debt, I am just wondering if it will ever end? If not, why am I stressing out so much about it right now? I mean, if I am just going to end up with the amount of debt a house leaves you with, my measely student loans are nothing.
Do I have to wait until my 50s before my debt is even close to gone? Will it be worse then?
I guess, the only thought that is logical and rational at this point, regarding debt, is focusing on not depending on credit cards at least once every 2 months.
A raise would help. In a year or so I expect to make a LOT more. I hope the industry that I have chosen is not one that will dissapear like the whole techie thing in the 90s in sillicone valley.
Maybe I shouldnt let this debt cloud my thoughts everyday as much as it does, because really, I am not even close to where my debt will be in a few years when buying a house is something that might be able to happen.
I have never been taught how to manage money correctly, or even taught a nice regimen on spending money. We were always poor, so all I knew to do was eat cheap, dont use heat or ac, and not ask for help when necessary because I only have myself to depend on.
I wish I could take some course on how to manage my money, but at this point, I dont even have money to manage; just debt.
So, does anyone have any life advice to give me? Is debt something I just have to accept and deal with as long as I live in California? If so, I might be able to focus on dealing with it more, rather than ignoring it to the point where I eventually freak out when I find out rent is due and all these bills are due and I can't write Mike a check to pay for them until my next paycheck comes. At least his parents help him... but that's not the point.
Should I just start accepting it, dealing with it, and then moving forward? I guess whether or not I will be in debt for most of my life doesn't really change the fact that I should just start accepting it, dealing with it and moving on with it. I guess I will start working on that.
And that is what this blog is about. Sorting out my thoughts through wehatever kind of writing this is. I forgot the term, or phrase. Like free thought? Yeah...
I guess I have already began the first step of dealing with it, knowing that I need to.
By the way, Im sick and sound like a nasaly geek. Why do I have to waste a perfectly good weekend being sick? I guess it helps in the making money department, which in the end helps with what I am worrying about now, right? haha.
January 21, 2007
I always want to be perfect, but I will never be able to be a perfectionist. Slighty tragic, I think.
I hate when you have a great week, and you are starting to feel confident again in yourself and then in a span of 1 hour, you can lose every bit of confidence you gained, and probably have it go back to even worse than when you started the week.
I cant live in this type of environment. So either I have to just suck it up for a 9.5 months, so I can move on, or I have to start being perferct every second. That expectation will never work out, of course, because no one can always be perfect, so, I guess you know which decision I have already made.
You start to begin to think about maybe you chose the wrong option, the wrong course of life, when in actuality you just chose the wrong place to spend most of your waking hours. I feel locked in, because I cant just up and change now, after already doing that once. I figurre it always starts out slightly sucky at first for everyone. My brother is basically in the same situation right now too. We have to lock down for a bit and then head out for our own sanity.
But then you think about life, and how we are wasting a year of our life. If we die tomorrow, we die hating where we spend most of our waking hours. That doesnt make sense. But then am I supposed to just ignore that and be more logical and plan for the rest of my life instead of thinking of today, which might possibly be my last. That is what I have always done.
I prerfer to not think about thinking of dying, because it is definitely my biggest fear, with failure being the second.
I think I know now, that when I do make the next change, that I will better know how to choose what I will be locking myself into again. And this, is the lesson I have to put into action once I fully learn everything I want and DONT WANT the next time around.
I loved 2 jobs while in college. One ended because they told me they would never hire me because I was a girl (in so many words) and the other one because I had to move. What ended up happening to the second one anyway worked out though, because the company went bankrupt less than 2 months later. I would have stayed at that one forever if it was in Orange County and it still existed. The other one, I am glad I am not doing it too, because it also changed company hands and turned really odd. Weird how the only jobs I liked, that after I quit, went down. ahah. Of course I know it has nothing to do with me, and it is sill to even state that last sentance like that, but it is very weird.
I hope I can love another job like those 2 again. I was generally excited about going there everyday. Although I got annoyed with some parts of it, I loved what I did, and I loved the people I worked with. I guess that makes a big difference. At the new place I really havent found any friends who are going to turn into anything outside of work. Not only because of location differences but because of fundamental differences. Its a bummr, but oh well. At least I found the good ones from BP and am still hanging out with them :-) Come to think of it, most of my friends came from jobs I have had. And maybe this one is a problem because that wont happen here. I still talk to people from the 1st job I loved in college, the 2nd job I loved in college and BP. Hmmm...
Alright, well I am going to head out now. I swear I am not really that depressed or anything, and that I really only write when something is botheirng me.
I need to go fill my day up with friends now. The end.
I hate when you have a great week, and you are starting to feel confident again in yourself and then in a span of 1 hour, you can lose every bit of confidence you gained, and probably have it go back to even worse than when you started the week.
I cant live in this type of environment. So either I have to just suck it up for a 9.5 months, so I can move on, or I have to start being perferct every second. That expectation will never work out, of course, because no one can always be perfect, so, I guess you know which decision I have already made.
You start to begin to think about maybe you chose the wrong option, the wrong course of life, when in actuality you just chose the wrong place to spend most of your waking hours. I feel locked in, because I cant just up and change now, after already doing that once. I figurre it always starts out slightly sucky at first for everyone. My brother is basically in the same situation right now too. We have to lock down for a bit and then head out for our own sanity.
But then you think about life, and how we are wasting a year of our life. If we die tomorrow, we die hating where we spend most of our waking hours. That doesnt make sense. But then am I supposed to just ignore that and be more logical and plan for the rest of my life instead of thinking of today, which might possibly be my last. That is what I have always done.
I prerfer to not think about thinking of dying, because it is definitely my biggest fear, with failure being the second.
I think I know now, that when I do make the next change, that I will better know how to choose what I will be locking myself into again. And this, is the lesson I have to put into action once I fully learn everything I want and DONT WANT the next time around.
I loved 2 jobs while in college. One ended because they told me they would never hire me because I was a girl (in so many words) and the other one because I had to move. What ended up happening to the second one anyway worked out though, because the company went bankrupt less than 2 months later. I would have stayed at that one forever if it was in Orange County and it still existed. The other one, I am glad I am not doing it too, because it also changed company hands and turned really odd. Weird how the only jobs I liked, that after I quit, went down. ahah. Of course I know it has nothing to do with me, and it is sill to even state that last sentance like that, but it is very weird.
I hope I can love another job like those 2 again. I was generally excited about going there everyday. Although I got annoyed with some parts of it, I loved what I did, and I loved the people I worked with. I guess that makes a big difference. At the new place I really havent found any friends who are going to turn into anything outside of work. Not only because of location differences but because of fundamental differences. Its a bummr, but oh well. At least I found the good ones from BP and am still hanging out with them :-) Come to think of it, most of my friends came from jobs I have had. And maybe this one is a problem because that wont happen here. I still talk to people from the 1st job I loved in college, the 2nd job I loved in college and BP. Hmmm...
Alright, well I am going to head out now. I swear I am not really that depressed or anything, and that I really only write when something is botheirng me.
I need to go fill my day up with friends now. The end.
December 21, 2006
Screw the corner office, I want my own bathroom. One of the biggest problems with working outside the home, or a tiny office, is that you have to share a bathroom. Sharing a bathroom is ALWAYS awkward. If you are not worried about what other people will think of you while you are in the bathroom, you have to smell the other people going the bathroom, and deal with their awkwardness and weirdness when they pretend that they do not go number 2. I just hate everything about it.
Things here have been getting better, although today was ridiculous. People you do a lot for, more than other people, often complain and try to screw you. I will never go the extra mile for ANYONE unless I have proof that they are nice. I HATE when people treat me like dirt, when I am the one who is making them money, and LOTS of it. eff you.
Also, as a person in a nerdy career, dominated in general by guys, I feel that my clients often think less of me because I am a woman. I feel that they quiz me more than they would a guy, I also feel that they dont trust me or think that I can do all the things that I can do. I hate that. I dont think it is me being paranoid either. Not all people, especially ones NOT from California, have the understanding that women can do nerdy things, like computer stuff, and can hold power and control over you. :-)
I am not sure if I assume people are thinking less of me (because of my gender), because I was a communication major with emphasis in gender relations, or because I am a victim feminist. Not sure. Either way, I am pretty sure again that I am not paranoid about this. I ask around to see if other people feel that they are getting quizzed constantly and I find it happens a lot more with women. and it would be very strange if it was just because these women just suck more than the men, when the women have the same if not more experience.
Anyway, enough about work.
The holidays are coming up. Very soon. Mike is already in Houston. It is strange around the house. The dogs were alone for 10 hours or so today. They escaped the kitchen and roamed the entire house for probably the whole day. They tore up some stuff, but nothing major. I am normally depressed around the holidays, but I think the constant torture of the nutcracker music (my least favorite music in the WORLD) for the last few weeks is really draining the lack of enthusiasm for the holiday, and made me just not care.
I dsicovered my credit score tonight. I found out what it was awhile ago, but then apparently it either rose 20 points or dropped. Some alert told me this. And then I went to check but they didnt tell me what it was before, so im not sure if it dropped or not. It kinda freaks me out.
Also, I need to get OUT of debt. It is like a black hole, especially around Christmas.
Things here have been getting better, although today was ridiculous. People you do a lot for, more than other people, often complain and try to screw you. I will never go the extra mile for ANYONE unless I have proof that they are nice. I HATE when people treat me like dirt, when I am the one who is making them money, and LOTS of it. eff you.
Also, as a person in a nerdy career, dominated in general by guys, I feel that my clients often think less of me because I am a woman. I feel that they quiz me more than they would a guy, I also feel that they dont trust me or think that I can do all the things that I can do. I hate that. I dont think it is me being paranoid either. Not all people, especially ones NOT from California, have the understanding that women can do nerdy things, like computer stuff, and can hold power and control over you. :-)
I am not sure if I assume people are thinking less of me (because of my gender), because I was a communication major with emphasis in gender relations, or because I am a victim feminist. Not sure. Either way, I am pretty sure again that I am not paranoid about this. I ask around to see if other people feel that they are getting quizzed constantly and I find it happens a lot more with women. and it would be very strange if it was just because these women just suck more than the men, when the women have the same if not more experience.
Anyway, enough about work.
The holidays are coming up. Very soon. Mike is already in Houston. It is strange around the house. The dogs were alone for 10 hours or so today. They escaped the kitchen and roamed the entire house for probably the whole day. They tore up some stuff, but nothing major. I am normally depressed around the holidays, but I think the constant torture of the nutcracker music (my least favorite music in the WORLD) for the last few weeks is really draining the lack of enthusiasm for the holiday, and made me just not care.
I dsicovered my credit score tonight. I found out what it was awhile ago, but then apparently it either rose 20 points or dropped. Some alert told me this. And then I went to check but they didnt tell me what it was before, so im not sure if it dropped or not. It kinda freaks me out.
Also, I need to get OUT of debt. It is like a black hole, especially around Christmas.
November 29, 2006
I have a lot to say, but am not ready to say it. Mike knows it. He is really the only one who really knows about it. He has been such a big help with everything. He spent 3 hours last night coaching me on something I should have learned how to do when I was in elementary school; have a conversation without stumbling over my words and in the meantime not sounding like a jerk.
I often feel like there is too much to do, and not enough time to do it. I feel like I am trying as hard as I can, but just like one of those bad dreams, I just can't run fast enough. I love what I am doing, I just wish I had more time to do it.
The past few days I have been thinking about how Jeremy told me on my birthday, when I barely even knew him, that 22 was probably the hardest year of his life. Sometimes I feel like maybe it will also be mine too, like he forwarned. But then I look around at the positive things, like Mike, my friends, my family and the pups and how this year cannot possibly be the worst year of my life.
I started out my 22nd year working for a crazy person, but got out of that. I started work at another place that is challenging me more than any class ever did in my life,. I had to endure Ender's time in the hospital. But really, I learned from all these things, a lesson that will make the rest of my years better, as well as the rest of my days as a 22 year old. I am trying to be positive, but it has been getting harder.
Everyday recently something new happens, and I feel like a failure all over again. These things happening are just small things that most people would brush off, but I am sensitive, paranoid and very fragile about certain things so they bother me. I just want to be told that I am doing something right for once. Please? A pat on the back for all my hard work? A good job? I dont know.
But again, I am going to try to be positive. I have to. I worked so hard my entire life, and have grown so strong, that right now, is not a time to be weak.
Another thing, one of the things I hate the most when it comes to weather is the WIND, and freaking Santa Ana blowing all of his rage across Southern California by force of wind. It is nights like this where I wish I had a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. And if you know me at all, I absolutely hate soup.
I often feel like there is too much to do, and not enough time to do it. I feel like I am trying as hard as I can, but just like one of those bad dreams, I just can't run fast enough. I love what I am doing, I just wish I had more time to do it.
The past few days I have been thinking about how Jeremy told me on my birthday, when I barely even knew him, that 22 was probably the hardest year of his life. Sometimes I feel like maybe it will also be mine too, like he forwarned. But then I look around at the positive things, like Mike, my friends, my family and the pups and how this year cannot possibly be the worst year of my life.
I started out my 22nd year working for a crazy person, but got out of that. I started work at another place that is challenging me more than any class ever did in my life,. I had to endure Ender's time in the hospital. But really, I learned from all these things, a lesson that will make the rest of my years better, as well as the rest of my days as a 22 year old. I am trying to be positive, but it has been getting harder.
Everyday recently something new happens, and I feel like a failure all over again. These things happening are just small things that most people would brush off, but I am sensitive, paranoid and very fragile about certain things so they bother me. I just want to be told that I am doing something right for once. Please? A pat on the back for all my hard work? A good job? I dont know.
But again, I am going to try to be positive. I have to. I worked so hard my entire life, and have grown so strong, that right now, is not a time to be weak.
Another thing, one of the things I hate the most when it comes to weather is the WIND, and freaking Santa Ana blowing all of his rage across Southern California by force of wind. It is nights like this where I wish I had a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. And if you know me at all, I absolutely hate soup.
November 19, 2006
I am up for the challenge if you give me long enough to take it.
This is one of the biggest challenges I have taken on, dealing with a mass amount of people and bsing them all day long.
What I learned in high school, how to bs my way through the dumb classes and still get good grades, is what will help me here. I know how to do the job, but bsing the people is what has to happen. I will not lie to them but I will learn to placate with them to make the situations better. I will toughen up. I will act rude if I need to. I will not let them walk all over me. I will be strong. If they dont want to package I will send them to customer service to make note of it. I will not let them unload their stress onto me and waste 10 of my minutes yelling at me about dialing the wrong number. I have control of the situation. And, I will come up with an effective script to persuade them from ever thinking twice on questioning me. Not that they should anyway.
So, please dont let a few screw ups ruin my chances from taking on this challenge. My biggest challenges in life have always been in dealing with people, and now I can face it head on. Even though the fear of ever losing my job because they are having an off day and not being able to pay my bills, and hearing my parents tell me again that even if it means I die that they dont have the means to help me is high on my mind.
This is one of the biggest challenges I have taken on, dealing with a mass amount of people and bsing them all day long.
What I learned in high school, how to bs my way through the dumb classes and still get good grades, is what will help me here. I know how to do the job, but bsing the people is what has to happen. I will not lie to them but I will learn to placate with them to make the situations better. I will toughen up. I will act rude if I need to. I will not let them walk all over me. I will be strong. If they dont want to package I will send them to customer service to make note of it. I will not let them unload their stress onto me and waste 10 of my minutes yelling at me about dialing the wrong number. I have control of the situation. And, I will come up with an effective script to persuade them from ever thinking twice on questioning me. Not that they should anyway.
So, please dont let a few screw ups ruin my chances from taking on this challenge. My biggest challenges in life have always been in dealing with people, and now I can face it head on. Even though the fear of ever losing my job because they are having an off day and not being able to pay my bills, and hearing my parents tell me again that even if it means I die that they dont have the means to help me is high on my mind.
November 15, 2006
Today I made my first payment to my student loans. I also spent money on paying on credit card debt and dealing with over 15 clients in one day. I have dogs now that depend on me, everyday, and what seems like every minute while I am at home. When I am on my computer they give me a guilt trip by barking at me every five seconds to get off and play with them. It is very hard to get things done sometimes. They even follow me into the bathroom when I shower or just need to pee. It is quite interesting how attached they have become. I love them a lot and don't mind, for the most part, but I feel more and more grown up everyday.
I would like to now talk about my new job. I love the job for the most part, except talking on the phone. I am not sure I am allowed to talk about this on the whole world wide web, but basically, people start arguements about strange things. When I walk around stores and anywhere public and I see people that remind me of some of these people I am on the phone with and I cringe. I really, truly love what I am doing, but sometimes, on days like today and yesterday I just feel like I am not made out for being a people person. I know, and so does my boss, that you cannot please everyone no matter what you do, especially if they are like the people I talk to everyday. Maybe I am just paranoid or maybe I am too soft, but it really affects me when they get really upset about things like me not calling them at the right number, etc. I am getting to be more tough, like my boss instructed me to be, but I have a lot more work. I was actually told to be more rude to my clients and to show them that I know more about this than they do, which I do. I just needed to rant for a bit. So here it is. I can go on more, but Im not sure how much I trust the blog atmosphere for that. I dont want to be dooced :-)
I have a homework assignment today for work. It wasnt assigned so I would do it at home, it was assigned so my boss knows that we arent screwing around while she is at an SES conference in Vegas. I dont have time while at work so I have to do it at home. I will probably start as soon as I get done with this. Unless, of course, my pups decide to bring on the barking brigade and distract me. :-)
Back to being a grown-up now, I like it, for the most part. I do not like the fact that I dont automatically get paid days off for the day after thanksgiving, or even the day off in general. People were very excited when it was announced today that we got a paid day off for the day after christmas. Maybe I am just used to having a leinant schedule, like in college. Things change, but at least now I get paid to eat on Thanksgiving.
I would like to now talk about my new job. I love the job for the most part, except talking on the phone. I am not sure I am allowed to talk about this on the whole world wide web, but basically, people start arguements about strange things. When I walk around stores and anywhere public and I see people that remind me of some of these people I am on the phone with and I cringe. I really, truly love what I am doing, but sometimes, on days like today and yesterday I just feel like I am not made out for being a people person. I know, and so does my boss, that you cannot please everyone no matter what you do, especially if they are like the people I talk to everyday. Maybe I am just paranoid or maybe I am too soft, but it really affects me when they get really upset about things like me not calling them at the right number, etc. I am getting to be more tough, like my boss instructed me to be, but I have a lot more work. I was actually told to be more rude to my clients and to show them that I know more about this than they do, which I do. I just needed to rant for a bit. So here it is. I can go on more, but Im not sure how much I trust the blog atmosphere for that. I dont want to be dooced :-)
I have a homework assignment today for work. It wasnt assigned so I would do it at home, it was assigned so my boss knows that we arent screwing around while she is at an SES conference in Vegas. I dont have time while at work so I have to do it at home. I will probably start as soon as I get done with this. Unless, of course, my pups decide to bring on the barking brigade and distract me. :-)
Back to being a grown-up now, I like it, for the most part. I do not like the fact that I dont automatically get paid days off for the day after thanksgiving, or even the day off in general. People were very excited when it was announced today that we got a paid day off for the day after christmas. Maybe I am just used to having a leinant schedule, like in college. Things change, but at least now I get paid to eat on Thanksgiving.
October 27, 2006
So, I am not one of those people who especially likes Halloween. Okay, I don't like it (especially not especially). I don't hate it either, but nothing about it, aside from the mass amounts of candy, really gets me excited. One of the reasons that I do not like it very much is because I do not like to get dressed up as something else. I like who I am, and I don't like to make a spectacle over what I am wearing. Really, I would prefer to be the wallflower most of the time. At least when it comes to be trying to look silly on purpose. Another reason why I don't like Halloween and Halloween parties is because I am not one for parties, really, I don't like parties, well like college parties or whatever, where drinking is the main aspect of the party. I prefer parties where people are coherent or are at least entertaining to a funny point when they are incoherent. Hah.
Everyone at work, and the rest of my friends, are all talking about Halloween plans and their costumes, etc. I am just excited that this year I have the excuse that the Suns first season game of the year is on TV on Halloween. I might just wear my Suns shirt that day. Does that count as a costume? Haha.
I think the real issue is that I am boring when it comes to Halloween. I try to pretend that I am into it, but really, I am not. Last year I had the coolest costume ever, QUAIL MAN. But even the awesome costume didn't make my Halloween party entertaining. That night was actually quite annoying.
This Halloween weekend I might go to the Haute Dog Howl-o-ween parade, but that is all, in a Halloween sense. I will be going to Carey Bear's birthday party which to me is a LOT more entertaining than any sort of drunken Halloween party. I am very excited for her party actually. On the actual day of Halloween I am going to watch the Suns game and make sure my dogs don't eat the little kids or their candy.
Everyone at work, and the rest of my friends, are all talking about Halloween plans and their costumes, etc. I am just excited that this year I have the excuse that the Suns first season game of the year is on TV on Halloween. I might just wear my Suns shirt that day. Does that count as a costume? Haha.
I think the real issue is that I am boring when it comes to Halloween. I try to pretend that I am into it, but really, I am not. Last year I had the coolest costume ever, QUAIL MAN. But even the awesome costume didn't make my Halloween party entertaining. That night was actually quite annoying.
This Halloween weekend I might go to the Haute Dog Howl-o-ween parade, but that is all, in a Halloween sense. I will be going to Carey Bear's birthday party which to me is a LOT more entertaining than any sort of drunken Halloween party. I am very excited for her party actually. On the actual day of Halloween I am going to watch the Suns game and make sure my dogs don't eat the little kids or their candy.
October 23 2006
So my stomach has been all nasty feeling ever since I drank a "Well Being" Naked Juice. I love those, a lot, but I am definitely not a "well being" right now.
Yuck.
Ironic, when I want to be healthy and force myself to drink my fruit, that I actually get nasty feeling from it. Awesome.
Other than that, today was definitely a Monday. I got 4 hours of sleep and kept fucking everything up at work. ie:
Me: Ring... Ring... Miss, can you tell me your account number so I can charge you for this thing you never wanted in the first place but you are required to pay for?
Client: Fine, here it is. click.
Me: Shit... I forgot to ask for her address. Ring Ring, Hi, im annoying, I forgot your address.
Client: Here it is. grr. Click
Me: Shit... I forgot the cvv2 code. Ring Ring, okay i know you hate me now, but.... Client: Okay... get it right next time... you freaking idiot (they mumble under their breath (not literally))Click.
Me: Shit... I forgot to get her ID number. Fuck...Ring Ring... can i have your ID #.
Client: Okay you POS here it is. Click
Accounting Person: The ID number doesnt match up with the account number.
Me: FUCK!!! Ring, ring. Miss, are you sure this is your ID number? Do I have it correct.
Client: Yes you have it correct, why isnt it working you retard?
Me: I dont know I will go make sure. and check again Click. Miss accountant can you run it again?
Accountant: It wont make a difference.
Me: fuck, I cant call this lady AGAIN. ::look back at history records:: oh shit, the account number was wrong. Miss Accountant... the account number is wrong.
Accountant: It wont make a difference the ID # is wrong. (this is where I am not that retarded).
Me: No you wrote it down wrong, even after I gave it to you the right way... the third time....
Accountant: Your'e an idiot, I am going to glare at you ALL afternoon.
Yuck.
Ironic, when I want to be healthy and force myself to drink my fruit, that I actually get nasty feeling from it. Awesome.
Other than that, today was definitely a Monday. I got 4 hours of sleep and kept fucking everything up at work. ie:
Me: Ring... Ring... Miss, can you tell me your account number so I can charge you for this thing you never wanted in the first place but you are required to pay for?
Client: Fine, here it is. click.
Me: Shit... I forgot to ask for her address. Ring Ring, Hi, im annoying, I forgot your address.
Client: Here it is. grr. Click
Me: Shit... I forgot the cvv2 code. Ring Ring, okay i know you hate me now, but.... Client: Okay... get it right next time... you freaking idiot (they mumble under their breath (not literally))Click.
Me: Shit... I forgot to get her ID number. Fuck...Ring Ring... can i have your ID #.
Client: Okay you POS here it is. Click
Accounting Person: The ID number doesnt match up with the account number.
Me: FUCK!!! Ring, ring. Miss, are you sure this is your ID number? Do I have it correct.
Client: Yes you have it correct, why isnt it working you retard?
Me: I dont know I will go make sure. and check again Click. Miss accountant can you run it again?
Accountant: It wont make a difference.
Me: fuck, I cant call this lady AGAIN. ::look back at history records:: oh shit, the account number was wrong. Miss Accountant... the account number is wrong.
Accountant: It wont make a difference the ID # is wrong. (this is where I am not that retarded).
Me: No you wrote it down wrong, even after I gave it to you the right way... the third time....
Accountant: Your'e an idiot, I am going to glare at you ALL afternoon.
October 18, 2006
I have gone swimming for 45 mins for 3 days. I am sore. My body feels as heavy as lead.
Work is getting better, although I might have offended one of my clients on accident. He is gay, which I could care less about (either way), and I said something that made it sound like I didn't think the gay crowd in SAN FRANCISCO was big. Of course it is big, who doesn't know that? I felt like such an idiot. I was on the phone for probably 2.5 hours, and it was pure stress. When I got done with it, after having to pee BADLY for the last 45 minutes of the conversation, I went to the bathroom and saw that my entire face and body was flushed with anxiety. I have to say it was a bit embarassing, both on the phone, and at work.
I wanted to write because I felt I had something to say. But really, all I have to say is that either technology or a person is mad at me. I hope it is the technology. Hmmm.
I watched America's Next Top Model tonight and now One Tree Hill is on. I have it on still because I have to keep it loud to drown out the dogs barking. I suppose I could turn it, but I am strangely fascinated with how completely TERRIBLE this show is. It is AWFUL. Do you ever watch things just to figure out how something so completely terrible can be making people millions of dollars? I do.
I should go now. With my new schedule I need to get to bed 45 minutes ago to get 8 hours of sleep.
Work is getting better, although I might have offended one of my clients on accident. He is gay, which I could care less about (either way), and I said something that made it sound like I didn't think the gay crowd in SAN FRANCISCO was big. Of course it is big, who doesn't know that? I felt like such an idiot. I was on the phone for probably 2.5 hours, and it was pure stress. When I got done with it, after having to pee BADLY for the last 45 minutes of the conversation, I went to the bathroom and saw that my entire face and body was flushed with anxiety. I have to say it was a bit embarassing, both on the phone, and at work.
I wanted to write because I felt I had something to say. But really, all I have to say is that either technology or a person is mad at me. I hope it is the technology. Hmmm.
I watched America's Next Top Model tonight and now One Tree Hill is on. I have it on still because I have to keep it loud to drown out the dogs barking. I suppose I could turn it, but I am strangely fascinated with how completely TERRIBLE this show is. It is AWFUL. Do you ever watch things just to figure out how something so completely terrible can be making people millions of dollars? I do.
I should go now. With my new schedule I need to get to bed 45 minutes ago to get 8 hours of sleep.
October 17, 2006
First I want to start out with what has been on my mind since I started my new job: I think I am too polite.
I feel like people see me as this goody two shoes, who is incredibly preppy because I am polite and showed up to work in "business casual" attire for the first week. But when I don't know people I am beyond polite because that is what I was taught to do as a little girl. Or, what I just felt was right.
Would my boss like me more or less if I stopped saying thank you as frequently as I do? I don't know. At this place, it seems as if at times I seem too preppy, when in fact I am not very preppy, at all. But I dont want to appear exactly as I am as soon as I start off.
Do I want to tell them that although I love the new job, I also would like to take breaks checking my e-mail? I don't think that would go over well. But as all my friends know, I have not been one to e-mail these past 2 weeks, so even there I am not my normal self. I think at this new job though that I will be too busy to e-mail, even if I wanted to. I dont mind it, it is just how it is.
So other things that need to be talked about. I have been planning on taking a week off to go to Brazil in January for awhile. With my old job they knew about this and it would have been fine. But with this new job I will only have earned maybe 3 days of vacation by then. I could take sick days or just unpaid days. But to ask for these days off is causing me a lot of stress. It is only my 2nd week there. I need to ask soon because plans are being confirmed soon. But holy moly, asking for a week off just when I started. Geesh. But it isn't like I am going to iowa or something like that. I am going to BRAZIL for FREE. How could anyone in their right mind pass that up?
Also, I dont even know who I ask about this. My boss? HR? I have never worked for a commpany this big where vacation benefits were an option for me. Hmm.
If anyone has advice, please do tell. I am lost.
I want to say, "I was just told about a wedding for someone in my family that will be in Brazil. I can get a free ticket there, but my only problem is that I would need to take a week off. Do you think we can work something out? This is a pretty rare opportunity!"
My boss seems pretty cool, but I dont know how happy she will be with me, being there for 2 weeks or so, asking for a week off already.
For this, college was a lot easier. Or rather, having a job that wasn't full-time was much easier when it came to taking days off. Boo.
Okay, I keep going on and on.
By the way, I started 24 hour fitness yesterday. When I signed up I got this douche bag guy trying to tell me about the gym and how I need to plan on losing weight, and how he wants to do me (with his eyes) all at the same time.
Also, they ask you really personal questions. Such as, how much do you weigh? Do you want to take a body/fat percentage test? How active are you? How many calories do you consume everyday? What machines will you be working out on? What time will you be here? Can I demoralize you for gaining so much weight within the past few years? Do you ever think you will get back to the weight you were in HIGH SCHOOL? Do you want to lose 15 lbs and be under weight? Basically, it was awful.
But... I did sing up and I have started to work out. I went swimming yesterday for 40 minutes and today for 45. I am beyond sore and beyond tired. I need to go to bed now to get 7 hours of sleep, but I wanted to write this so I can feel better for at least writing down the crazy thoughts in my head.
I feel like people see me as this goody two shoes, who is incredibly preppy because I am polite and showed up to work in "business casual" attire for the first week. But when I don't know people I am beyond polite because that is what I was taught to do as a little girl. Or, what I just felt was right.
Would my boss like me more or less if I stopped saying thank you as frequently as I do? I don't know. At this place, it seems as if at times I seem too preppy, when in fact I am not very preppy, at all. But I dont want to appear exactly as I am as soon as I start off.
Do I want to tell them that although I love the new job, I also would like to take breaks checking my e-mail? I don't think that would go over well. But as all my friends know, I have not been one to e-mail these past 2 weeks, so even there I am not my normal self. I think at this new job though that I will be too busy to e-mail, even if I wanted to. I dont mind it, it is just how it is.
So other things that need to be talked about. I have been planning on taking a week off to go to Brazil in January for awhile. With my old job they knew about this and it would have been fine. But with this new job I will only have earned maybe 3 days of vacation by then. I could take sick days or just unpaid days. But to ask for these days off is causing me a lot of stress. It is only my 2nd week there. I need to ask soon because plans are being confirmed soon. But holy moly, asking for a week off just when I started. Geesh. But it isn't like I am going to iowa or something like that. I am going to BRAZIL for FREE. How could anyone in their right mind pass that up?
Also, I dont even know who I ask about this. My boss? HR? I have never worked for a commpany this big where vacation benefits were an option for me. Hmm.
If anyone has advice, please do tell. I am lost.
I want to say, "I was just told about a wedding for someone in my family that will be in Brazil. I can get a free ticket there, but my only problem is that I would need to take a week off. Do you think we can work something out? This is a pretty rare opportunity!"
My boss seems pretty cool, but I dont know how happy she will be with me, being there for 2 weeks or so, asking for a week off already.
For this, college was a lot easier. Or rather, having a job that wasn't full-time was much easier when it came to taking days off. Boo.
Okay, I keep going on and on.
By the way, I started 24 hour fitness yesterday. When I signed up I got this douche bag guy trying to tell me about the gym and how I need to plan on losing weight, and how he wants to do me (with his eyes) all at the same time.
Also, they ask you really personal questions. Such as, how much do you weigh? Do you want to take a body/fat percentage test? How active are you? How many calories do you consume everyday? What machines will you be working out on? What time will you be here? Can I demoralize you for gaining so much weight within the past few years? Do you ever think you will get back to the weight you were in HIGH SCHOOL? Do you want to lose 15 lbs and be under weight? Basically, it was awful.
But... I did sing up and I have started to work out. I went swimming yesterday for 40 minutes and today for 45. I am beyond sore and beyond tired. I need to go to bed now to get 7 hours of sleep, but I wanted to write this so I can feel better for at least writing down the crazy thoughts in my head.
October 11 2006
So, it has been a big week for me. The new start at a new job. I start a lot earlier than I have ever started at a job (7 am) but I get out at 330pm, which is amazing. Seriously.
I like my boss, she seems pretty awesome so far. The people at work seem pretty neat too, although I have no real friends yet. But I know that takes time. I miss people from BP a lot, but I think overall this is a better move for me.
I like the job I will be doing a lot, once I start that is. It is all SEO, which is what I want. Woo hoo!!
I had a lot to say earlier, but I just had to email a bunch of people. I am not able to email during the day because I am getting trained by people all day so I have a lot of backlog email. It is nice to read. I just feel out of touch with the world when I cant email or read blogs. Soon enough.
I dont have a desk yet at work, and I dont think I do all week. Monday I start for real, and I cannot wait. woo hoo.
Also, I think I can start the gym next week. I found out its not completely free though. BOO. They pay for membership, like the original membership, and some processing fee, but not the monthly payments. BOO. Oh well, it is still at a very discounted price and I will be able to swim. Woo hoo!
I just hope I can work something out so I can go Brazil for a week in January. Eeek.
I like my boss, she seems pretty awesome so far. The people at work seem pretty neat too, although I have no real friends yet. But I know that takes time. I miss people from BP a lot, but I think overall this is a better move for me.
I like the job I will be doing a lot, once I start that is. It is all SEO, which is what I want. Woo hoo!!
I had a lot to say earlier, but I just had to email a bunch of people. I am not able to email during the day because I am getting trained by people all day so I have a lot of backlog email. It is nice to read. I just feel out of touch with the world when I cant email or read blogs. Soon enough.
I dont have a desk yet at work, and I dont think I do all week. Monday I start for real, and I cannot wait. woo hoo.
Also, I think I can start the gym next week. I found out its not completely free though. BOO. They pay for membership, like the original membership, and some processing fee, but not the monthly payments. BOO. Oh well, it is still at a very discounted price and I will be able to swim. Woo hoo!
I just hope I can work something out so I can go Brazil for a week in January. Eeek.
October 6 2006
Today is my last day. I am beyond over it at this point. But, I am also getting nervous about the new company and my current finacials.
You know your first day at work, how you feel incredibly awkward. You don't know who to trust, or what to expect. What are the rules? Do they freak out if you are a minute late (literally) like they do here? Do they expect you to work later than your scheduled time, or is that not even allowed. Where is the water? Where do I put my lunch? Do I go to lunch with people. I can't afford it, but might lose potential friends if I don't the first week.
All I can focus on right now is that I am beyond excited about the gym. I really hope it is the gym I am hoping it will be.
I need to do work here, but I dont see the strategic point. I need to shred some papers, but then I have the whole awkward situation by the boss. I also need to do work for KJ but want to fall asleep while I do it. I need to clean out my desk, and perhaps make everything seem easy to get to. But is it too early? Probably.
I want to go grab some caffiene from the fridge but then I have to walk by the desk I dont want to walk by. The things I deal with on a daily basis.
I got this pretty sweet unexpected check this week, but somehow it is gone and I didn't even get to do any special spending. BOO. I am supposed to get another sweet check by next week. It better come through.
I might have to start freelancing if I want to go to Brazil. That whole thing is stressing me out beyond belief. I don't have rich parents who will pay for things while I am there. I need my loans and credit cards paid off before then, but that is not possible. Boo. Maybe if I sell my car, I will be able to pay off at least one credit card. Hmm. Anyone want to buy a corolla in a year or so? hah.
I am just rambling now. This is turning into the same kind of thing I did last time with my blog. Should I just quit now? ehhh.
You know your first day at work, how you feel incredibly awkward. You don't know who to trust, or what to expect. What are the rules? Do they freak out if you are a minute late (literally) like they do here? Do they expect you to work later than your scheduled time, or is that not even allowed. Where is the water? Where do I put my lunch? Do I go to lunch with people. I can't afford it, but might lose potential friends if I don't the first week.
All I can focus on right now is that I am beyond excited about the gym. I really hope it is the gym I am hoping it will be.
I need to do work here, but I dont see the strategic point. I need to shred some papers, but then I have the whole awkward situation by the boss. I also need to do work for KJ but want to fall asleep while I do it. I need to clean out my desk, and perhaps make everything seem easy to get to. But is it too early? Probably.
I want to go grab some caffiene from the fridge but then I have to walk by the desk I dont want to walk by. The things I deal with on a daily basis.
I got this pretty sweet unexpected check this week, but somehow it is gone and I didn't even get to do any special spending. BOO. I am supposed to get another sweet check by next week. It better come through.
I might have to start freelancing if I want to go to Brazil. That whole thing is stressing me out beyond belief. I don't have rich parents who will pay for things while I am there. I need my loans and credit cards paid off before then, but that is not possible. Boo. Maybe if I sell my car, I will be able to pay off at least one credit card. Hmm. Anyone want to buy a corolla in a year or so? hah.
I am just rambling now. This is turning into the same kind of thing I did last time with my blog. Should I just quit now? ehhh.
October 5 2006
Do you ever have those days where you feel like no one is REALLY listening to you. I had that day yesterday. I am not sure if it is because I pretty much suck at talking often, or because they just don't care what I have to say.
I have a problem with telling stories, and I go through phases when I am around people who don't make me feel confident, where I just stutter (not entirely literally) and stumble over everything I say. With certain people I can be me, where I am crazy, sometimes funny, and perhaps even entertaining. There are only a select few. Mike is one of them, my family is included, teddy, jeremy, carey, some of mike's friends, and sometimes Molly.
I am not sure what is about these people that make me come out as who I really am, but they do. And it isn't like they ALWAYS do this, because I often have off days, like yesterday. I hate off days. Don't mistake that with days off, because I love those.
I wonder why the other people make me act as if I have speech impediments and a lack of logic in my stories. Do they lower my confidence? Can I tell that they really dont give a crap what I am talking about. That is the way I felt about a lot of people yesterday. Not everyone, just really, a select few.
Today is better. I got to visit my new work, fill out paperwork, etc. I even took a drug test for the company. That was annoying. I have done those before for sports in high school and my job as a 1-hour photo lab technician. They always creep me out.
I have never, in my entire life, ever done an illegal drug. (Well, except when I had some alcohol before I was 21, making it technically illegal). But seriously, I never did anything and never will. Frankly, I am drug virgin. So if something would end up happening where my test results would show up as positive I would freak out. But I always have that paranoia when I take them. haha.
I am excited about the new job, mostly because the benefits and not working at my current job. I have officially checked out mentally, but have some stuff to do. I am going to do it in a few minutes.
We are having a lunch on Friday, about me leaving, but I doubt anyone aside from jeremy and possibly eva will show up. eh.
Alright, the downing the liquids for my drug test is kicking in, and the bathroom facilities are in need.
I have a problem with telling stories, and I go through phases when I am around people who don't make me feel confident, where I just stutter (not entirely literally) and stumble over everything I say. With certain people I can be me, where I am crazy, sometimes funny, and perhaps even entertaining. There are only a select few. Mike is one of them, my family is included, teddy, jeremy, carey, some of mike's friends, and sometimes Molly.
I am not sure what is about these people that make me come out as who I really am, but they do. And it isn't like they ALWAYS do this, because I often have off days, like yesterday. I hate off days. Don't mistake that with days off, because I love those.
I wonder why the other people make me act as if I have speech impediments and a lack of logic in my stories. Do they lower my confidence? Can I tell that they really dont give a crap what I am talking about. That is the way I felt about a lot of people yesterday. Not everyone, just really, a select few.
Today is better. I got to visit my new work, fill out paperwork, etc. I even took a drug test for the company. That was annoying. I have done those before for sports in high school and my job as a 1-hour photo lab technician. They always creep me out.
I have never, in my entire life, ever done an illegal drug. (Well, except when I had some alcohol before I was 21, making it technically illegal). But seriously, I never did anything and never will. Frankly, I am drug virgin. So if something would end up happening where my test results would show up as positive I would freak out. But I always have that paranoia when I take them. haha.
I am excited about the new job, mostly because the benefits and not working at my current job. I have officially checked out mentally, but have some stuff to do. I am going to do it in a few minutes.
We are having a lunch on Friday, about me leaving, but I doubt anyone aside from jeremy and possibly eva will show up. eh.
Alright, the downing the liquids for my drug test is kicking in, and the bathroom facilities are in need.
Growing Up
I have been writing in blogs since I was 14 years old. I am now 22, and still love it as an outlet.
I graduated from San Diego State with a degree in Communication and a minor in Sociology in May 2006. I loved it there, and miss it. I had no idea I would miss school so much, but I have.
It has been quite a few months now since I have been out, and have been experiencing the world as a grown up ever since.
I always considered myself more grown up than the rest, because unlike most people I went to school with, I paid my own way through college and could barely pull $20 out of my parents. I had no idea I would be experiencing what I am now. Its not exactly like it is horrible or anything, but it is definitely not ideal.
A day after graduate I started my first job after college. The job was not all it turned out to be. I ended up being everyone's bitch and doing things that did not require a college education. I was pissed about it. And to top it off, the boss was pretty crazy, and threw things at people and had hissy fits. I can't deal with the fear of thinking my boss might just throw something at me if I disagree with him, so I decided to leave.
I now work at another company, and the job has been a life lesson. I have almost 100 clients and it is hard to deal with it all. I am not a people person, I am a computer person, which is why I have the job I do. I am begining to like the job more than I thought I would, but I honestly can't say that I love it. Some days are good, some are bad. Some hours are great, and other hours are AWFUL. I take every swing as it comes, and try to keep from getting bruised.
Excuse me if I am being vague anywhere here. I am scared of getting Dooced, and am not entirely comfortable enough in my field to not worry about it, especially since I work in a field that is very familar with blogs.
I am more in debt than I ever thought was possible. I thought with a college degree and almost 2 years of experience in my field under my belt that I would be making more money. Especially since the type of job I have is supposedly very lucrative. Maybe just not at the companies I choose. Blah.
I am going to write in this blog as an outlet for my agression of this new world. One where I have to deal with having to get approved time off to be with my sister who is about to lose her newborn baby (she did too, which is another story), as well as deal with paying off student loans and credit card debt.
I am generally an optimistic person, but I am also one to use blogs to vent. If I sound like I am a negative person, that is just because I like to be negative only in writing. Might be bad, if writing is really the only thing that supercedes your existence.
I want to put things in here that I started back in Augusut of 06 I think. But I am not sure it will work right with the blog. If you see old stuff, that is why. I want it all in one place and I want to get rid of the other blog for security purposes.
I graduated from San Diego State with a degree in Communication and a minor in Sociology in May 2006. I loved it there, and miss it. I had no idea I would miss school so much, but I have.
It has been quite a few months now since I have been out, and have been experiencing the world as a grown up ever since.
I always considered myself more grown up than the rest, because unlike most people I went to school with, I paid my own way through college and could barely pull $20 out of my parents. I had no idea I would be experiencing what I am now. Its not exactly like it is horrible or anything, but it is definitely not ideal.
A day after graduate I started my first job after college. The job was not all it turned out to be. I ended up being everyone's bitch and doing things that did not require a college education. I was pissed about it. And to top it off, the boss was pretty crazy, and threw things at people and had hissy fits. I can't deal with the fear of thinking my boss might just throw something at me if I disagree with him, so I decided to leave.
I now work at another company, and the job has been a life lesson. I have almost 100 clients and it is hard to deal with it all. I am not a people person, I am a computer person, which is why I have the job I do. I am begining to like the job more than I thought I would, but I honestly can't say that I love it. Some days are good, some are bad. Some hours are great, and other hours are AWFUL. I take every swing as it comes, and try to keep from getting bruised.
Excuse me if I am being vague anywhere here. I am scared of getting Dooced, and am not entirely comfortable enough in my field to not worry about it, especially since I work in a field that is very familar with blogs.
I am more in debt than I ever thought was possible. I thought with a college degree and almost 2 years of experience in my field under my belt that I would be making more money. Especially since the type of job I have is supposedly very lucrative. Maybe just not at the companies I choose. Blah.
I am going to write in this blog as an outlet for my agression of this new world. One where I have to deal with having to get approved time off to be with my sister who is about to lose her newborn baby (she did too, which is another story), as well as deal with paying off student loans and credit card debt.
I am generally an optimistic person, but I am also one to use blogs to vent. If I sound like I am a negative person, that is just because I like to be negative only in writing. Might be bad, if writing is really the only thing that supercedes your existence.
I want to put things in here that I started back in Augusut of 06 I think. But I am not sure it will work right with the blog. If you see old stuff, that is why. I want it all in one place and I want to get rid of the other blog for security purposes.
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