Monday, April 23, 2007


I feel like the more work I do, the more I am behind. Today I spent a ton of time on one client so that they would leave me alone for awhile. I think I made him think that he could use me more for more things.

Drama has been going on at work recently, and it is mostly due to the fact that the more work I do, the more I am behind. People are complaining and trying to bypass the chain of command to be heard about the over abundance of work. Its a bunch of drama that I think is going to erupt. It might have already erupted, but who knows. I have learned that things get around fast, and you cannot trust anyone. Not that I am innocent. Almost kidding.

I talked to a client today on the phone about how I still do not have a house. He tried to convince me that soon I will be able to. That I just need to move forward and get a town house. I have been considering this. Or I can move to Austin with Mike and afford a house. We shall see if that happens, but I think it is a serious option. This is exciting yet stressful for me. I am getting all these pictures of a real back yard and a washer and dryer INSIDE the house. You know, not having to walk a football field away with 3 loads of laundry in a basket that holds 2. Oh and you can't forget the heavy laundry detergent.

Everything has been stressful, but then again things are better in some ways. Work isn't as bad as when I first started. Since the trip to New York I got closer to my boss so things might go smoother. At least I am not as paranoid.

I wish jobs would pay more. I love the report I heard today, featured here, that says "Although women have made significant gains in education and income during the past three decades, the pay gap between college-educated men and women continues to widen in the years after graduation, experts say." Should I not be bitter? What the hell? Seriously.

My heart dropped when I heard this yet again. Why does it not get better? Is it my fault I get paid less then some douche bag who worked half as hard as me just because he has a penis. Grr. I should probably not let myself get started on this. Geesh.

I would love to go back to school and get my Masters in Women in the Media, but then again what would I do with that? And yes, I am still in the struggle of figuring out if I should do something I like (but who knows for how long) and doing something I love and believe 100% in. Who knows if I could ever succeed in the thing I love either.


Mike is coming back from Houston and will be here in 1.5 hours. I need to get my butt into gear and clean the house up. Last time I was gone for a week he had cleaned up the house before I got back. He told me that is just what it is like when I am not here to mess things up. I want to show him that I am cleaner when he is gone. Its a lie and he knows it.

If I lived on my own my house would be a complete pig sty.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Big Brother Continues to Watch

So I found out recently that at my work they monitor your keystrokes with some sort of software. I think it might be worse than Office Space, except my boss is pretty cool. Apparently they have access to all my passwords now, including my bank account and email account since I signed on there. I should change the password. How shady would that be if they looked though? Either way, why would you want to keep that?

Also, I am not allowed to work anywhere on the side basically. We are not allowed to work for anyone company that competes with ours. You might think, well thats easy you should just work for anything but that topic. But really, the corporation owns a TON of companies, so practically anywhere I work would go against that agreement.

On the plus side, I am going to SES New York on Monday. I canNOT wait for this. I was never a big fan of New York, but now I get to go for free and stay in a hotel right next to Central Park. Woo hoo! Also, I get to meet a bunch of SEO celebrities (well they are celebrities to me). If you haven't noticed yet, I am a nerd.

I have been thinking more about working. I did figure out that I am doing something that is helping me more than anything I have ever done, and that is talk. I am doing MUCH better than ever before. I even pick up the phone without worrying that the person will tear my head off. Even if they are about to, I am more apt to be able to handle it. I have the confidence now to stand up for myself and tell them that I am not responsible for their stupidity.

Also, a lot of my clients like me now. I can say that only a few don't like me, but that is just because they don't like anyone. I wish I could fire a client. But I don't think you can do that sort of thing, unless I make them hate me enough, which I would never do. Everyone talks about wishing that we could. Such a nice though.

I wonder if this is too much to say on here? I never mentioned names, so I doubt it.

Is big brother watching this? They told me that they know everything I do at work, and out of work. So they can prob see this. Not sure why they would be interested though....

Oh another thing. I have been working out a lot. For the past month I have worked out at least 3 to 4 times a week. Although I feel much better (more energy, less hungry, etc) I have lost NO weight. Maybe because I don't eat as great as I could. But I have also cut down on food too. So I am not sure what this is about. I have always been able to lose weight before when I wanted to. Its not like 22 is THAT old. Its not like 22 is the age where your body starts to slow down so much that you can't lose weight. Apparently I need to not eat at all. That way I will lose weight. I don't have motivation for that, especially when Mexican food exists.

Tomorrow, my two little brothers and sister are coming down to stay with me for a few days. They are all 16 (almost 17) so this may be one of the last times I can get them all together to spend a weekend with me. They are great kids. I am sure we will have a lot of fun.

Life is getting better for the most part. I am missing the chance of spring break like crazy (its my first year since I started school without it). I am going to pretend that my New York trip will be spring break, even though I will still have to kinda work.

My goal with this trip is to network the hell out of it. Not sure how exactly that will happen, but we shall see. I might be dressing nicer than my boss which is awkward, but I want to impress the people who might be very important to me in a few years.

By the way, I have been listening to the new bright eyes album through this streaming thing on After my first listen, I am loving it. But I doubt I could ever hate. Seriously. I love Commander Venus and even I know that it is pretty terrible (at least in production). haha.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

If I was mormon I would be going to hell....

Tonight I was home alone with the pups when two little adorable 18 year old mormon boys came to the door. One of my dogs, Emily, is kinda nuts. We sorta rescued her (if you call it that) and she is kind of a little off when it comes to men. She likes to attack them at random times.

When I opened the door to greet the cute little mormon boys Emily decided it would be a good time to attack. I grabbed her before she bit, but I did have to hold her on my hip after that. In the meantime, Ender had gotten out of the house, but was just trying to play with the boys. He loves people and is always up for some attention. I had to grab Ender too and hold him on the other side of my hip because he would get away otherwise. I could have actually put them inside and walked outside, but I really did not want to be cornered by these mormon boys. I dont know how to politely say that I think your religion is not anything I am interested in to see boys. In no way will I ever convert, but I don't know how to say no, so why not use the dogs as my excuse.

So there I was, with a dog in each arm, trying to think of a way to get rid of the mormon boys. The dogs did not stop calming down. It got worse. While I was holding them on my hips Ender and Emily were pulling down the back of my sweat pants with their claws in attempt to get away. If the mormon boys had seen what was happening to the back of my pants I think they might have gotten in big trouble with their whole mission thing. My pants were coming down fast and they were hard to keep up while listening to their stories about Jesus Christ and keeping the dogs from attacking the boys. I needed a way to get the boys to leave, because if anyone is going to see the back of me in undies, I REALLY do not want it to be 18 year old mormon boys on a mission.

I desperately needed these boys to take the cue that I was not availible for their mormon missionary duty. I'm sure they could see that I was struggling to keep my pants up (sounds bad!) and keep my dogs from scratching the shit out of my back and butt . The boys were VERY nice and somehow continued to tell me about how excited they were about how a prophet might currently be walking the earth, but I could not have anymore of it, unless they wanted to witness my panties.

Finally they got the hint that my dogs were not stopping and I was not going to leave them inside and go outside to chat with them about Jesus. They asked if I was availible anytime later this week and I told them that I would be home alone with the dogs all week (true, except for Friday). They said they would give me their pamphlet and write their names down. While writing down their names my pants starting to fall down even more. I was freaking out and did not know what to do. I could not move or make any effort to grab their pamphlet. The boys seemed to figure out more about the pants situation by this point and just tossed the pamphlet at me and shut the door for me.

Do you think I will go to my religion's hell just because I put myself in a situation where mormon boys (if they were looking at my pants intently) could see my dogs pulling down my pants and exposing my backside? This is one time I wish I could witness what they saw, because it was probably one of the most humiliating (in an extremely ironically funny way) times of my life.

Now it is time to laugh WITH me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Side Projects vs. Crap Jobs

So I am now in a place where I have to decide whether to look for side project jobs or have consistent paycheck from crappy jobs, like retail.

I am broke beyond belief. With my last paycheck, I only got about $50 back after bills. How do I eat with that? I don't.

Mike told me about this book his friend was reading the other day, called Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled--and More Miserable Than Ever Before. This book talks about how "Generation Me," which is supposedly my generation, believes we deserve more than we do, and have higher self esteem then we do achievements. This idea has been bothering me a lot. I believe I do deserve a lot, not just because of my self esteem, but because my achievments. I believe a deserve more not only because I have a college degree, but because I have worked my ass off and have a lot of experience in my career objectives. I have work experience and an education. I have done everything I was told to do to do well in this society. I was told to get good grades (got them), get work experience through internships and work related jobs (did a TON of that), and network (did it). But still, I am broke and having to decide whether I want to work a side project job or a crap job. Do I deserve better or am I a whining undeserving result of the me generation? I believe my frusterations are true, but how would I know, because I obviously cannot look at this in retrospect yet.

There is no question about it, but I need to make more money. My current job is the type of job that is so controlled by the corporate masters that a raise is in no way possible. They wave bonus' at you all the time, but the way to get them is impossible (which I am sure is on purpose). So I can't just ask for a raise there. Especially since I hear they fire people all the time. I just need this job to get enough experience so I can make a LOT more elsewhere, which is supposedly possible in my industry.

I have accepted that I need to find money elsewhere. I have looked at free lancing sites and they all seem to make you whore yourself out for a TON of work. These people want EVERYTHING for nothing. I then have looked at crap jobs that would be okay with letting me only work evening or weekends. They all pay what they are; crap.

I need ideas, I need help finding out how to make extra money. I will not whore my skills out (both figuratively and literally) so I am not sure what to do. Do I suck it up and stop being the supposedly epitome of the "me generation" and do MORE shit work before I make anything, or should I take out of life what I DO deserve.

Its not like my brother make double my salary his first year out of college or anything. Its not like everyone expects me to make the same as him.

I feel like an absolute failure, because society says that if you are not making enough to afford designer clothing and cool gadgets, then you are shit. I did everything society said I should do to make it, I have the skills, the knowledge and motivation, but I am still the failure. Maybe the "me generation" is now expected to be more, and told they can be more with simple instructions, when in reality its not possible for most. Maybe that's why we are miserable. We are miserable because society says we should be something amazing by a young age by doing what actually doesn't work in the so-called "real world". We fail their expectations because their expectations are impossible and then we whine because THEIR plans to be amazing and their amazing expectations of us were never really possible. We fail because they failed us.

I am sure I am the epitome of the "me generation" even though I don't see it now. I'm sure you are just laughing at me, and not cringing because you feel the same way as me.

I never really answered my question about whether to work a side job or a crap job, but I did get out my rant for the day.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

I've been Spied On

So big brother's eyes are on me I found out today. I am 99.999% sure that someone was spying on what I do on my computer at work. It was kind of annoying I have to admit, because, really, why me? I have a college degree, I have kicked ass, I get a LOT of work done (and do it well) and I am still being treated like I am 5 years old. Is it just the company, or are a lot of big corporate companies like this? I don't get it.

February 25, 2007

I almost wanted to quit this blog because I didn't want to explain the situation over again. My nephew, my sister's baby, passed away last Tuesday. He officially died from excess blood hemmorages and lack of brain development due to being suffocated in the womb. They are pretty sure the hemmorage is from the birth, which was HORRIBLE. And they think he was being suffocated in the womb from fluid sacs in my sister's stomach that were caused by her getting gestational diabetes, which the doctor never cared to fix. It seems like a lot of this was all caused by doctors neglect.

Even with someone to blame, it is still incredibly hard to take. I was able to go to Kansas City to visit the little boy, and be with my sister. He was the sweetest little boy I have ever seen, and was beyond adorable. Everything was perfect with him, except for his brain. I have explained the situation a million times it seems, as as well as covering it up while explaining it to myself a million times. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore.

Little Cody made a big impact on my life, as well as everyone else who was able to meet him. Right now, I want to be able to take life for all its worth.

Since the situation with Cody I have been struggling with the idea of whether to live each day like you don't have another one, or live your life as good as possible to fullfill your dreams. Right now, I am not exactly happy with work, and I spend the majority of my life there. I want to be able to change this and move on. Realistically, I cannot do that. I need to use this job as a stepping stone to move on to do better things. This job will really provide me with the opportunity to do just that, as long as I stick with it. But if I die tomorrow, I know I wasn't very happy with where I was in life, but I guess, you can't always be happy with it. I need to instead focus on what I am doing with my life to make it better as well as focus on things about my life that are good right now. My puppies, mike, my friends, my family are all great. I do have fun on the weekends for the most part. So, I think I answered the struggle with this idea now, and that is to keep on trucking through life, but continusouly strive for my dreams, instead of sulking that I have not met them yet. Your life is not worth it the moment you stop striving for something better, to me, so I just need to keep striving. I cant let myself get stuck somewhere I dont want to be, for longer than I have to. I need to just keep trying as hard as possible to get to where I want to go. Be the little engine that could perhaps? I just hope the light at the end of the tunnel is the shade I am imagining when I get there.

One thing I am going to start striving for now, something that I have more control of, is my weight. Since I started college, and especially since I met Mike, I have gained a significant amount of weight. I seem to just not care that I keep gaining because I end up eating stuff that isnt good for me all the time. It doesnt help that I am allergic to chicken (one of the best low fat proteins) and that I am allergic to wheat (for the most part) but that is sitll no excuse. I need to start eating like I am an adult, and quit rebelling against how I was forced to eat while growing up (only heatlhy, never anything bad). So this is going to be my goal.

I plan on losing up to 20lbs in the next 4 months. Supposedly that is adequate time if I start to eat better and work out. I always make excuses about working out, but now I need to get my crap together and quit making excuses. Wish me luck.

February 13, 2007

My sister is having a baby tonight (or tomorrow). They think it might be a Valentines Day baby! aww. I will be an Aunt officially tonight. Wow!!

In other news, I had a conversation with a pretty notable company yesterday about something of interest. It was a big enough company to spend a 30 minute phone call with. Turns out it is a company in Santa Monica, and no not Google (I wish). Not really an option for me.

I got really excited about it, but blah. Told them no today because Santa Monica is not an option. At least I know I can be a match for someone else. Good confidence booster.

I decided to wait for Google. Hahah. Or at least get more experience and then try for Google. Here's to hoping.

Can't wait to see the new little one in the family. Not sure how I will be able to visit it. Hopefully I can soon. I think my mom is heading out in a few days. How cute, a baby on Valentines Day! aww!!