I almost wanted to quit this blog because I didn't want to explain the situation over again. My nephew, my sister's baby, passed away last Tuesday. He officially died from excess blood hemmorages and lack of brain development due to being suffocated in the womb. They are pretty sure the hemmorage is from the birth, which was HORRIBLE. And they think he was being suffocated in the womb from fluid sacs in my sister's stomach that were caused by her getting gestational diabetes, which the doctor never cared to fix. It seems like a lot of this was all caused by doctors neglect.
Even with someone to blame, it is still incredibly hard to take. I was able to go to Kansas City to visit the little boy, and be with my sister. He was the sweetest little boy I have ever seen, and was beyond adorable. Everything was perfect with him, except for his brain. I have explained the situation a million times it seems, as as well as covering it up while explaining it to myself a million times. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore.
Little Cody made a big impact on my life, as well as everyone else who was able to meet him. Right now, I want to be able to take life for all its worth.
Since the situation with Cody I have been struggling with the idea of whether to live each day like you don't have another one, or live your life as good as possible to fullfill your dreams. Right now, I am not exactly happy with work, and I spend the majority of my life there. I want to be able to change this and move on. Realistically, I cannot do that. I need to use this job as a stepping stone to move on to do better things. This job will really provide me with the opportunity to do just that, as long as I stick with it. But if I die tomorrow, I know I wasn't very happy with where I was in life, but I guess, you can't always be happy with it. I need to instead focus on what I am doing with my life to make it better as well as focus on things about my life that are good right now. My puppies, mike, my friends, my family are all great. I do have fun on the weekends for the most part. So, I think I answered the struggle with this idea now, and that is to keep on trucking through life, but continusouly strive for my dreams, instead of sulking that I have not met them yet. Your life is not worth it the moment you stop striving for something better, to me, so I just need to keep striving. I cant let myself get stuck somewhere I dont want to be, for longer than I have to. I need to just keep trying as hard as possible to get to where I want to go. Be the little engine that could perhaps? I just hope the light at the end of the tunnel is the shade I am imagining when I get there.
One thing I am going to start striving for now, something that I have more control of, is my weight. Since I started college, and especially since I met Mike, I have gained a significant amount of weight. I seem to just not care that I keep gaining because I end up eating stuff that isnt good for me all the time. It doesnt help that I am allergic to chicken (one of the best low fat proteins) and that I am allergic to wheat (for the most part) but that is sitll no excuse. I need to start eating like I am an adult, and quit rebelling against how I was forced to eat while growing up (only heatlhy, never anything bad). So this is going to be my goal.
I plan on losing up to 20lbs in the next 4 months. Supposedly that is adequate time if I start to eat better and work out. I always make excuses about working out, but now I need to get my crap together and quit making excuses. Wish me luck.
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